I hate going home when I know there's going to be a fight. I've had a headache all day.

I can't help it that I get frustrated sometimes. How come everyone else can take their tantrums and throw things and yell, but when throw my hands up, or just cry, or say I can't I can't anymore..

I don't blame you for anything, why you always read so much more into things .. why you always think I'm saying more than I'm actually saying I don't know.

It's not my fault all the time. and I won't apologize for feeling sad.or frustrated... I'm allowed too.

I am a human pincushion

I was called by the hospital yesterday that my glucose tests came back a little high. So could I go in today and get more blood work done.

So I arrived at the hospital at 645 AM and waited my turn in line... come to find out that it isn't a pre natal screening.... it's a diabetic screening. SO, first thing is blood work and a finger prick to test the sugar. Then you drink the glucose, then I had to wait.... for an hour... and I was told not to leave the hospital. So I already had a needle hole in my left arm from Friday when I had the first batch of bloodwork... so now left arm has 2 needle holes and 1 finger prick...

Off to the hallway... the drftiest...coldest hallway in exsistence. I found a poofy chair to sit in, and I tried to sleep for an hour. 915am I head into get another round done. This time in my right arm. Left arm 2 needle holes and a finger prick, right arm 1 needle hole.

THEN they tell me... oh no you have to come back in another hour and no you can't leave the hospital...

sigh

back to the hallway... stupid cold

managed to doze of a bit, then I waddled my way back into the lab and yes... they called me "The Waddler" and then got another needle again in my left.... poor lefty...

So as it stands :

Left Arm 3 needle holes and a finger prick
Right Arm 1 needle hole

Arms looking like a heroine addicts whilst pregnant...... priceless

7 more days!!

That's all I have to wait until I leave on my much anticipated maternity leave. Well, anticipated for me at least. My employers would have it different if left to them. I was planning on staying on until May, but, I am having alot of pain and discomfort at this point and since I was a "good girl" for Haley's birth and went back to work within weeks of her arrival, in my honest opinion I think I'm due for some home time.

Raven was awarded her orange belt in Tae Kwon Do last Sunday. She was so excited and proud. I think that's something that is lacking in alot of children these days, a sense of pride in something.... anything. Raven loves it, and that's all that matters. It's something for her to work at. A goal for her to attain. She doesn't like to "spar" with other children at all. She is afraid of hurting someone. We decided to put her into it ((with alot of please please please mommy can I can I can I's)) to increase her confidence. To my absolute delight it has increased her confidence. She is also starting to stick up for herself alot more now. She was the child that would let other kids take things from her, or say and do mean things to her. She would never stand up for herself because unlike the children that were aggrivating her... she didn't want to say mean things to them because it isn't nice to hurt other people's feeling.

That is my little girl. Sometimes the words that come out of her mouth are not those of a soon - to - be 9 year old. I have always called her an old soul, there is something about her that is so profound and amazing, I cannot even put it to words.

She makes me a better person.

Then comes Haley Haley Haley bean. One of the funniest little people I have ever met. I can't believe she's a year and a half already. She follows Raven around endlessly. Raven in her eyes hung the moon. Everything she does is great, everything she has is great. Raven is so good with her and always wants to help.

Hearing her talk, oh my heart melts daily at her little voice. Haley's little voice. Listening to her try to sing songs of her favorite shows and her funny little shuffle dance she does. She also loves to run around with a plastic bucket on her head and a cape on her shoulders to which we have affectionatly named her, "CAPTAIN BUCKETHEAD"

7 more days ... I honestly can't wait

Once again I have a gap of time to fill in. 6 months to brief you on.

I am actually 6 months pregnant...yes again... with my third child. I'm due in June, after my 32nd birthday. I'm still at the radio station, although not for much longer. I'll be taking my much needed maternity in a few months.

Lizzie and Mathew began living with us last October, Children's Aid took custody of them and placed them in our care, and now for the last month or so Karley has been living with us as well. Needless to say the house isn't quite big enough to hold us all... but we're trying.

Some days the kids are getting better. Other days I could rip my hair out in frustration. Lizzie can barely read and she's in grade 4, Mathew cannot read and he's in grade 3.

Needless to say we have our hands full. Raven doesn't seem to mind all the kids around. She gets crowded at times and says "Mommy I need a break" which usually means, "Can I stay over Nanny and Poppy's this weekend" , which to the delight of my parents, does happen.

Haley loves having all the people around. She is so social now. Laughing and jumping and running and playing.

Karley is the typical teenager. Full of piss and vinegar, rage for all around her and the world owes her a debt.

We're waiting to hear from a child psychologist for Mathew, and hopefully we can get him diagnosed with whatever is wrong with him. He shows distinct signs of ODD and CD, granted I'm not a psychologist. Lizzie also needs someone to talk to. She always needs to be the person who pleases everyone. She won't say something bad so she won't make the person feel bad. She needs someone neutral in all this to confide in.

Karley talks to me, more than most of the others which is good, but, she also needs to talk to someone who can give her advice in that neutral way. She's going to fail this year, her marks are all 30's and 40's. Mathew I think as well SHOULD fail, but schools these days are obsessed with pushing children through. How a 9 year old made it to grade 3 and he can't even recognize and read the word "dog" is beyond me. Poor kids. As much as I get so frustrated with the backtalk and the not listening and the constant "I hate You's" , it's not their fault. I just wish I knew where to even start with them.

I don't want Mathew to end up in jail. I don't want Karley to become another teen statistic, I don't want Lizzie trying to find a guy like her father because she needs his love that she never gets.

I haven't been sleeping. For the past 3 weeks I can't sleep, which is not good for a woman 6 months pregnant. None of this is. My god I dont need this stress. Neither does chris for that matter. None of us asked for this and that includes the children.

almost 6 months... I can't believe it's been that long.