I Suppose This is A Year In Review.

I found a "letter" I suppose you could call it that I wrote last year. It was a night I remember at about 4 am in the morning (yes ok it was the morning blah blah blah pay attention!!) ANYWAY, I couldn't actually remember what I wrote but AI do remember I put it away somewhere so it wouldn't be found...in essence I hid it on myself of course lol. Be that as it may this is what it says;

"What should be more important to me. My daughter, or my life. My daughter is my world and my universe. What do I do? Do I stay where I am for her? Keep my life long obligation to Scott? Stay in my marriage even if it means no love? For her? How am I suppose to do this? How am I suppose to live? He's a good father. He loves her so much. He loves me so much. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty when he's here. Empty when we talk, empty when we kiss. Does any of that matter? Why do I need to be happy? She is happy. I am so tired of crying. I'm so tired of the guilt and the confusion. Why can't anything be easy anymore? How is this going to end? It's only been 3 months. What happens next year? Can your heart die from hurt? Will I ever feel anything else but confusion anymore? Will I ever feel again? Can you force yourself to love someone again? We're so distant, like 2 different people who are forced to talk to one another everyday. He's trying so hard, for us, and I can't even manage a smile. I'm so tired."

So that's it, that's was what was inside me at that moment last July. To look back on that writing now and be able to smile, to be able to look inside myself an know that everything is going to be ok. To quietly call back to myself in that time and whisper, "It's going to be ok."

So what has happened next year as I asked myself, so many questions.

I had the best birthday I can remember in years last week, for lack of a better term my birthdays were inconsiquential, but this year, people remembered, people were happy for me and hugged me and made me feel like it's good to be here. Yes it was fantanstic.

I've made a life decision, I'm going to go back to college, granted I'll be moving to Kentville, but I'll be doing something I truly love to do.

I'm happy again, I laugh again, and finally after a long time I can truly dance in the rain again.

So I whisper now back to that confused young lady," It's going to be better than ok, Everything is going to be great."